Make well-being a goal

If we are to become happier, it's not enough to simply know that it is possible. We could even learn all the ways in which we could become happier. The fact is, increasing our sense of well-being takes a concerted effort over a long time. So, we need to have some serious motivation toward the goal of increasing our well-being. We need what I have come to call 'the will to thrive.' So, this post will be about what gives people that will to put in the hard work.

The idea of 'getting happier' won't motivate you, and it certainly won't make you happier. Why? Because well-being is not about being fortunate enough to get happier, but instead about learning to be happier. Trying to get happier - as if happiness is something external that we somehow acquire - just doesn't work. Nor does getting your circumstances just the way you want them. Life doesn't work that way, and neither does happiness.

Fortunately, research has also shown that our sense of well-being can be increased and sustained. Well-being is more like a skill, that can be developed over time. It is the skill of 'being' well - being in this present moment in a positive, constructive, and effective manner. People who cultivate the skills of 'being well' do quite predictably increase their levels of happiness. But it takes hard work. So, here are some reasons why it's worth cultivated the skills of how to 'be' well:

1. It's good to feel good. Enough said. In fact, many thinkers have suggested that having a sense of well-being is the goal from which all other human goals originate.
   
2. Positive emotions have a profound effect on us. They broaden our mind and help us to build our resources for the future. There are countless flow-on effects. Let me list some of them. In general, happier people are more intelligent, creative, and focused. They are better at solving problems, achieving goals, and coping with stress. They tend to be more successful by almost any measure. They have stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling friendships and relationships. They have a greater sense of meaning and purpose in life, and find their lives more fulfilling. Physically, their immune systems are stronger, their physical injuries heal faster, the age better and they even live longer. They are a less risk of all manner of diseases, from Alzheimer's to heart disease. Studies have shown that positive emotions actually cause all these positive effects, they are not merely consequences. In almost every domain of life, a sense of well-being itself has a hugely positive effect.
   
3. People with a greater sense of well-being influence in the world in more positive ways, and can often be of greater benefit to others. There are several reasons. The broaden and build effect of positive emotions spills over to benefit other people too. Happier people are kinder and more altruistic than unhappy people. They are more effective at doing things that benefit others. Not only that, a sense of well-being has a direct positive influence on those around you as well, since happiness is contagious. The people who spend time with you benefit from your happiness too. Making your own well-being one of your important goals is far from selfish, since it is an important resource through which we can benefit others.
4. Life is difficult, bad things happen, and you have to cope with it. It is healthy to feel negative emotions. But some people become crippled by them. Others a resilient, and able to 'bounce back' from even the greatest tragedies. It just so happens that the same skills that cultivate our sense of well-being also build our resilience against adversity. When adversity strikes, you'll deal with it much better if you've already developed those skills.
5. There seems to be no other way to get a deep sense of well-being. Happiness doesn't happen by accident. There are people who have everything they could want and yet are miserable. Conversely, there are people who have nothing (materially) and yet have a strong sense of well-being. How can this be? The reason is that the world we really experience is not the world we see physically, it is the world of our mind. So if our mental world is in disarray, nothing we change about the outside world will lead to happiness. The only way to have a sense of well-being is to get our mental worlds in order.
   

So, it really is worth making well-being a goal, and being willing to put in some serious effort to increase it. Fostering a heart-felt will to thrive is the most critical foundation. It provides the necessary motivation to learn the skills that take us toward that goal. Without the will to thrive, those same skills of well-being seem ineffective and trite. It is the not the desire to simply change our circumstances, it is the will to engage with them in a more positive, constructive, and effective way.

Regaining hope: the starting point on the path to feeling happier

During depression, most people feel like they are passive victims of life, powerless to change their circumstances or more importantly, stem their tide of emotions. They feel helpless. They lose hope. According to some researches, that feeling of helplessness - and it is just a feeling - is what lies at the heart of depression.

From my study of positive psychology, is seems that regaining a sense of hope is also the starting point for anyone who wants to learn to thrive in life, rather than languish. Hope is what you get from combining a goal with motivation and some realistic pathways to get there. People who are depressed tend to feel hopeless because they believe they have no available paths to become happier. So, they also have no motivation, since they believe that trying is futile. In time, they give up on the goal of being happier (by 'happier', I mean having a greater love of life), since why have a goal without any motivation or pathways to achieve it?

So how do we regain a sense of hope? No amount of wishful thinking or 'positive affirmations' will do the trick. It all hinges on what we know. Let me explain...

Imagine you a suddenly transported into the wilderness. You're alone, and there's no one else near for hundreds of miles. There are all sorts of dangerous animals. You can't see much food. You have no means of help, and there's no one for hundreds of miles. On what grounds could you have hope to survive such an ordeal? You could reasonably have hope if you knew how to survive in that kind of wilderness. You would know how to get food. Know how to make shelter. Know what poisonous plants to not eat and what dangerous animals to avoid. Knowledge would give you hope. If you didn't have the necessary knowledge and skills though, you might well feel hopeless and helpless.

Take another example, one a bit closer to home. Imagine you plan to grow a vegetable garden. Would you hope it to flourish if you stayed ignorant of how to grow vegetables? You'd probably learn about how to grow vegetables, and that knowledge would be the basis upon which you'd hope your garden to thrive.

The situation is not much different when it comes to our emotions. Emotions are like vegetables. You can cultivate positive ones, or let weeds grow. Just like in gardening, there is knowledge about how to effectively manage our own thoughts and emotions. People with depression tend to not have much of that knowledge. But what if they learned that knowledge? What if they understood their feelings, and understood the ways in which they could actually change them? What if they knew that it really is within their power to feel better, even thrive, and understood the steps to get there? I think that knowledge would give people hope.

If we have that knowledge-based hope, then we can see the realistic pathways to become happier. We feel more motivated, since we don't feel powerless and helpless anymore. And the goal of a brighter future is more attainable. Hope, I believe, is the first stepping stone, but that hope needs to be based on realistic knowledge of how people can thrive in life.

So, over the next few posts, I'm going to explain some of the things that really do work. The things that people who genuinely thrive in life know, usually without even realizing it. These are skills, attitudes and behaviors that hundreds of scientific studies have now shown to be effective in increasing our sense of well-being. I hope that this knowledge help you in life, just as it has helped me.